do i want her?

or do i want to be her?

Okay. I need to say this out loud because it has been circling in my head for a while.

Sometimes when I am into a woman, I cannot tell what kind of into it is.

Obviously, I want her. That part is real. The attraction is not theoretical. I notice her. I feel it. It is physical and immediate and not something I have to intellectualize.

But then there is this other layer that sneaks in.

I start paying attention to how she moves. How she speaks. How she laughs without checking who is listening. And somewhere in there, my brain shifts from I want her to I wish I could do that.

And that is where it gets messy.

It is not that I think there is one right way to be feminine. I do not. There are a million ways to inhabit a body, a voice, a presence. What gets me is when someone feels fully at home in their version of it. When they are not adjusting it for the room.

There is a kind of sexual confidence that makes me short circuit a little. Not because it is loud or attention seeking. Just because it feels owned. Like she knows she is desirable and does not need it confirmed every five minutes.

And I am sitting there thinking two things at once.

I want her.

And also, how does she do that?

If I am honest, sometimes the jealousy is not about her at all. It is about how effortless she makes it look. I overthink my tone. I replay things I said. I wonder if I am coming off as too much or not enough. She just exists.

So when I feel that pull toward her, I have to ask myself what I am actually reaching for.

Do I want to be with her?

Or do I want to feel the way she seems to feel inside her own skin?

Because those are not the same thing. But in the moment, they blur.

There is something slightly uncomfortable about admitting that part of my attraction might be aspiration. That maybe I am not just drawn to her body, but to her certainty. To her permission. To the way she does not seem to hesitate before taking up space.

It makes the whole thing feel more complicated than a simple crush.

And maybe that is fine.

Maybe wanting someone can also reveal the places where you feel unfinished. Maybe desire is not just about the other person. Maybe it is also a mirror.

I do not have a clean answer. I just know that sometimes when I say I want her, what I mean is layered. And I am still learning how to tell which layer is speaking.